In its latest magazine, Flemish LGBTQIA+ umbrella organisation çavaria puts amatonormativity under the spotlight. I see you rolling your eyes. Another label? Well, yes and no. It’s a word. And while the word may be relatively new – it was coined in 2012 – the phenomenon has existed for a long time and still does.
Çavaria writes: “Amatonormativity is the idea that a long-term, monogamous romantic relationship is the normal and best way to live. According to this societal phenomenon, everyone ultimately wants to find a permanent partner, get married and have children.”
“Amatonormativity is everywhere. In films, books and advertisements, people seem to find true happiness only when they have found their one great love. It is as though a romantic relationship were the most important goal in life.”
“But not everyone wants such a relationship. Some people are happy being single. Others choose ethical non-monogamy. There are also people who place greater importance on friendships or family ties. Some experience little or no romantic attraction (aromantic people), while others experience little or no sexual attraction (asexual people). Yet these ways of living often receive less recognition in an amatonormative society.”
Monogamous romance above all else
“One typical example is that platonic relationships, such as friendships and family ties, are considered less important than romantic relationships. Romantic partners are often given priority. As a result, friendships sometimes fade or disappear when someone enters a romantic relationship.”
“Amatonormativity can make people feel that something is missing from their lives if they are not in an exclusive romantic relationship,” çavaria writes.
“This applies not only to single people, but also to those who consciously choose a different way of living, such as a very close friendship, a chosen family or an open relationship. It can also lead people to stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy.”
Lifetime achievement
I’m quite surprised by çavaria here. In 2020, it gave author Fleur Pierets a Lifetime Achievement Award. Her lifetime achievement? Getting married everywhere it was possible for same-sex couples to marry.
Because for many LGBTQIA+ people, having a romantic relationship is the ultimate life goal.
As if single people don’t have a sexual orientation. It’s ‘Love is Love‘, right? Not ‘Lust is Lust‘. The latter apparently isn’t straight-friendly or family-friendly enough.
Some encyclopedic knowledge
Amatonormativity is the societal assumption that everyone wants, and is better off in, an exclusive, long-term romantic relationship. Philosopher Elizabeth Brake coined the term in her 2012 book ‘Minimizing Marriage‘ to describe the pressure she experienced to prioritise marriage, despite having no desire to do so.
The word amatonormativity comes from ‘amatus‘, which is the Latin word for ‘loved’, and normativity, referring to societal norms.
Modelled on heteronormativity, the concept describes how romantic coupling is presented as the default route to happiness and fulfilment. It is closely related to allonormativity, the assumption that everyone experiences romantic and sexual attraction, and mononormativity, which privileges monogamous relationships over other forms of intimacy.
Amatonormativity is reflected in everyday life, popular culture and institutions. Single people may be treated as incomplete, close friends may be assumed to be romantically involved, and films and books often put romantic love above friendship and other forms of connection. Marriage also grants couples legal recognition and protections that may not be available to close friends or queerplatonic partners.
These expectations can stigmatise people who are aromantic, asexual or simply uninterested in romantic relationships. They can also pressure people to remain in unhappy relationships rather than face the perceived failure of being single. Challenging amatonormativity does not mean dismissing romance, but recognising that a romantic relationship is one possible source of happiness, not a prerequisite for a meaningful life.
In practice
I’m neither asexual nor aromantic. I’m single. And I’m content with that. I don’t need a boyfriend to consider myself an accomplished adult. Being an accomplished adult dies not depend on having a partner.
Being single is not “a choice”. People are born single. In life, you meet people. With some, things will work out, for a shorter or longer period. With others, they won’t. Choosing to start a romantic relationship with someone is a choice. Or at least, it should be. I’m not talking about arranged or forced marriages here.
But people assuming that I actually want a boyfriend simply for the sake of having a boyfriend? That’s just so tiring.
Chances are you’ll find this plea tiring, annoying, perhaps even hurtful or offensive. Questioning the supremacy of romantic relationships is an unpopular activity. But having to hear, time and again, that I’m expected to have or want a life partner is also tiring, annoying, perhaps hurtful or offensive.
From Christmas to Valentine’s Day
And the Long Season is upon us. From December to February, the supremacy of romantic relationships will once again be underlined. Christmas films, nosy relatives and unsolicited, inappropriate pity for single people.
Every year, singles have to endure amatonormativity, whether they know the term or use it themselves or not.
So?
Perhaps it’s time we stopped treating romantic love as the ultimate achievement in life. There is nothing wrong with wanting a partner, getting married or building a life together. But there is also nothing wrong with being single, prioritising friendships, choosing non-monogamy or simply not making romance the centre of your existence.
Love comes in many forms, and a fulfilling life does not require a romantic partner. So the next time you meet a single person, perhaps skip the questions about when they will find someone. They may already have a life they’re perfectly happy with. And even if they don’t, finding a boyfriend is not necessarily the answer.
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