SINGLES DAY | Apparently, gays can’t be just friends

June 2024: Oscar and I meet in person for the first time, in London. September 2025: I visit Oscar in Denver, Colorado. October 2025: by coincidence, we’re in Japan at the same time and we visit Kawagoe in Saitama Prefecture together. September and October 2026: Oscar visits Europe, specifically Belgium, the Netherlands, and Switzerland. Together we visit some Belgium essentials which are reachable by train: Antwerp, Bruges, Dinant, Brussels, and Ghent.

In September and October, I hosted Oscar for some nine days. It’s very unusual for me to host someone. I’ve been living alone in my Antwerp apartment since June 2011, and Oscar is only the fifth person to have spent one or more nights at my place as a guest.

Of all the people who knew I was going to host Oscar, or who found out that I had, only two or three didn’t ask whether Oscar was my boyfriend or whether “something would happen or has happened”. By which I obviously mean sex. Reactions included “And are you hoping for something?”, “And uhm, is something happening?” or an Edvard Munch ‘The Scream‘-inspired emoji when I explained that, no, we weren’t having sex. “Is that possible?” Yes, it is.

These reactions came from gay people. Most of them are single.

This triggered a few thoughts. I am a big advocate of not being prudish when talking about homosexuality as a theme or issue. Nowadays, the discourse is expected to be “family friendly”.

Desexualisation is seen as not only good, but also the only way forward. Talking about gay sex is considered detrimental to ‘the cause’. “Does it really have to be about sex all the time?” That kind of reasoning. The most popular slogan is ‘Love Is Love’, not ‘Lust Is Lust’. The latter would not be straight-friendly enough.

So, advocating for a degree of desexualisation myself now feels odd. Nevertheless, another thought is that I react differently when a heterosexual person assumes my guest is my boyfriend than when a queer person does. I get it: straight people have never really had to question the mould of having that one lifelong partner throughout adulthood.

But from people under the rainbow flag, who have, by definition, had to question attraction, lust, love and expectations, I expect less jumping to conclusions. There are so many more possibilities beyond the scenario of finding the love of your life. There can be polyamory, or no ‘amory’ at all. The European MSM Internet Surveys I and II (EMIS) found that around half of men who have sex with men (MSM) are single.

A third thought concerns something I occasionally see on social media, especially on Threads, which seems particularly good at engagement bait: gay men complaining about how hard it is to make gay friends. They meet someone who could become a friend, only for sexual and/or romantic advances to follow soon enough. Can’t gays just be friends?

Well, my complaint of the day is similar, but the opposite: can’t people recognise a gay or queer friendship for what it is?

Friends with benefits

At 45, I have only one FWB, or friend with benefits. Someone I have a friendship with and with whom I sometimes, but far from always, have sex. I assume this is neither shocking nor taboo in 2026.

I’ve had sex with more friends when I was younger. I also have, or perhaps even aspire to have, sex with people I know, usually online friends living overseas. The particular online friendships I’m thinking of have always had a sexual connotation.

But aside from those exceptions, all my friendships are very conventional and, therefore, non-sexual.

And that’s the case with Oscar. Our friendship is very conventional. Yes, having friends on the other side of the planet is not unconventional for gay people. Nor is travelling a long way to finally meet them in real life particularly groundbreaking.

Gays can be friends

So today, 11 November, which is, among other things, Singles Day, I’m pleading for greater awareness and recognition of gay and queer friendships. Every friendship has its own dynamic, but the vast majority of them are non-sexual.

Gays can be friends! Without fucking. It’s time to recognise this as a very real possibility.

Unlike the storyline of the monster of a Christmas film ‘Single All The Way‘ (on Netflix), friends, good friends and best friends don’t have to end up together romantically or sexually.

💛 💛 💛

The yellow heart emoji symbolises friendship, happiness and platonic love.

PS: this all reminds me of the blogpost I write on amatonormativity.

Single & Solo

• Why I’m deliberately avoiding Pride on my next trip.
• Amatonormativity: Why romantic relationships aren’t for everyone.
• Antwerp rents pass €1,000 as single tenants face housing costs of up to 64% of income.
• ANTWERP PRIDE 2026 | XL ‘Love Is Love’ rainbow banner on Boerentoren.
• 2026 | Flanders tops one million single-person households as households continue to shrink.
• Ype Driessen’s ‘Vanilla’ explores sex, friendship and breaking free from romantic expectations.
• Alternative love stories: author Nikita Goossens puts friendship and aromanticism centre stage.
• EDITORIAL | Limburg Pride sets dress code for “family friendly” experience: when pride becomes shame.
• Belgium records 36.5% single-person households on 1 January 2026: living alone is the new normal.
• Single buyers account for a growing share of Belgium’s property market.
• Single tenants in Flanders face rising housing costs.
• Solo Travel May Be Booming, But the Industry Still Rewards Couples.
• Belgium records 36% single-person households on 1 January 2025.
• Single-person households on the rise across the EU.
• STUDY | Singlehood in Belgium shaped by gender and migration background.
• STUDY | Singlehood is far more complex than ‘by choice’ or ‘not by choice’.
• BOOK REVIEW | ‘Vanilla’ by Ype Driessen, daring to question the societal precedence of the romantic relationship.
• Single-positive novel ‘Tijd om te bloeien’ out now.
• HOW TO | Solo in Tokyo, Japan.
• Nikita (25) from Halle publishes feminist and single-positive feelgood novel ‘Tijd om te bloeien’: “The story I wanted to read myself”.
• STUDY | Single life no longer a transitional phase: only one in eight actively seeking a partner.
• The best cities to visit as a gay solo traveller.
• The best cities for gay cruising? London, Berlin, Paris, Madrid and Barcelona.
• Tourism Flanders tightens Airbnb rules to protect housing for singles.
• How Belgium has changed in the last 25 years.
• Belgians book Asia, vintage travel and boutique hotels for spring and summer 2025.
• SOLO TRAVEL | More expensive, but also some advantages.
• MONTREAL | Dining solo at Monarque felt like being part of a tv show.
• Antwerp Pride 2022 made big impact with Queertopia, monkeypox highjacked the festivities.
• Hotel room for one.
• SINGLES DAY | Why everyone should travel alone sometimes.

Gay adventures of the homosexual kind

• Is the gay ‘Top Shortage’ real? New study offers some answers.
• Why I’m deliberately avoiding Pride on my next trip.
• Amatonormativity: Why romantic relationships aren’t for everyone.
• BANGKOK | History of Massage(s).
• Why some gay men don’t feel “gay enough”.
• RHINELAND-PALATINATE | Kurioos and Queer Koblenz.
• THAILAND | Gay Bangkok ft many male to male massages.
• HOW TO | Solo in Tokyo, Japan.
• GAY TOKYO | 24 Kaikan in Asakusa (+ Ueno and Shinjuku).
• GAY SEOUL | Jongno 3-ga ft. Bar MoU.
• GAY ITAEWON | Homo Hill = Usadan-ro 12-gil (우사단로12길) in Seoul, South Korea.
• The best cities for gay cruising? London, Berlin, Paris, Madrid and Barcelona.
• QUEER KOREA | Beomil-ro, Busan’s gay street.
• GRAN CANARIA | 11 takeaways to enjoy Winter Pride Maspalomas to the fullest.
• The best cities to visit as a gay solo traveller.
• Gay Hong Kong.
• Heading for the sun in gay destination Torremolinos.
• QUEER ANDORRA | Entre Nous, the only gay bar in the village.
• Queer Iceland & Rainbow(baiting) Reykjavík.
• Manchester’s gaybourhood around Canal Street.
• Pride in Valladolid, Yucatán and queer encounters in Mexico.
• FLORIDA SOLO ROAD TRIP | Eye-opening encounters in Miami.
• FLORIDA SOLO ROAD TRIP | Fort Lauderdale.
• Drag queen bingo at Pride of our Footscray Community Bar.
• LGBTQ+ get-together on Majestic Princess.
• Gays failing at being gay? ‘LGBTQ Mix & Mingle’ on Royal Caribbean’s Serenade of the Seas lacked enthusiasm.
• Gay Tel Aviv: pinkwashing or genuine?.
• Gay Taipei with misterb&b.